


What is love?

by thpsyche



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Adultery, Darkfic, F/M, Lies, Lovers, Manipulation, Mistress, Murder, Serial Killers, Slow Burn, Soulmates, masochists, yes it's darkfic even if it starts with fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2020-01-12 00:18:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18435116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thpsyche/pseuds/thpsyche
Summary: Ben Solo knows she's his soulmate, he knows it from his dreams; he has searched for her face for years. And know, he finally does but three things force him to stay away.1. she doesn't know who he is. She doesn't remember him as he does.2. she dislikes him as the rats in the drawers.3. he's already married.How long will Ben maintain away from her?





	1. baby don't hurt me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know about paint nor art :v

 

 

She had freckles. That’s the one thing he can always remember after the dream, it’s like the mere thought is engraved in his memory. He can’t get away from it.

It was never this prominent, always just a dream. The main reason why he thought it was a fantasy, one that his conscious created to his liking. But now it was bigger.

He woke with sweat dressed on his forehead as a shiver ran through his body. His wife noticed the disturbance but continued with her sleep, she was used to hearing him wake up at three in the morning claiming he had a nightmare. Except it was never a nightmare; it was his biggest fantasy.

The images were clearer, like sunlight breaking in through a window. She had freckles and the most beautiful set of eyes he could think of. She was small between his arms, and soft between his palms. He never got the chance to know her name; but every night he would watch her die.

_‘Please, mon amour! Don’t leave me! The darkness is unbearable!’_

She always cries and she always dies in his arms. He can see the auburn locks clinging to her wet neck and face, her eyes in panic as they search for him. She can’t see him; she never can. He holds her tight and caresses her frame in his large hands, he whispers to her because that’s all he can do.

_‘Rest, mon amour. For one day you will see all the colors and make them what you please.’_

This time the dream permitted him to look at the girl for a longer period, this time the image of the illusion haunted him for hours until the sun rose, and his true wife stood against him with a cup of coffee.

“Tough night, I see?” she said sipping the cup before handing it to him. She smiled warmly as her fingers wrapped in his black hair, pressing the ghost of a kiss on his cheek.

He had to acknowledge that this was his life, that whatever dream was _just_ a dream. That the girl did not exist, he knew because he spent most of his young years searching for the freckled pattern he so remembered. Yet, the girl never appeared, only in his mind and dreams.

He smiled warmly at his wife, wrapping his large arm around her waist as he pulled her closer to him. She smelled like coffee beans and used soap, she smelled like his reality. “Nothing a little of you can’t help.”

This time he reached up and stole her a kiss, tasting her lips like the lovers they were. He wanted to love her as much as he loved the girl in his dreams, but the truth was that his heart would always belong to the freckled girl.

* * *

 

She didn’t know what to expect except for the fact that he was well known in the art area, everyone seemed to like him. Truth is, she had heard of him, only by word because she had never seen him in person -not that she wanted to-. Everyone knew he was married so that instantly marked a barrier she did not want to cross. And maybe she wouldn’t be so nervous to meet the new manager of the gallery if he wasn’t so well known with his stupid 10 years of experience. She wanted to be neutral and come clean; but she hated when people bragged about their experiences and achievements.

She took her art journal that contained her most precious sketches and left her apartment, not even bothering to check for mail, odds were that it was stuffed with receipts and loans. Finn had muttered all week, saying how he was ready to kick the guys ass if he decided to critic his artwork. It was funny because only Finn’s boyfriend -Poe- and her, had permission to laugh at his work, the whole other human species were just obsolete of ever even trying.

When she arrived at the gallery the aura was wild. Some people rushed in circles holding their brushes as they stalked in the lobby. She ignored as much as she could as she made her way to the main studio, were most of the artist would get together and share ideas as they finished whatever projects they had in waiting. Finn was already there with his hands on the plaster, his thumbs crafting the sculpture that was to be formed. Rey smiled as her heart warmed at the scene, she loved to see her friends giving it all on the things they most love. While Finn was a professional sculptor and Rose a muralist, Rey found that her passion wasn’t in going big nor getting crafty, she enjoyed the details and the colors. She was a painter and most of her masterpieces hanged in the same gallery she stood.

“How’s Orpheus looking?” she asked, leaning against the metal rack of his heavier tools.

He lifted his head with a smile as he recognized Rey’s voice. “Annoying as always; I can’t make this nose as perfectly shaped as Poe’s.”

Rey smiled. It was cute how Finn’s muse was nothing more than the love of his life, Rose’s muse was her late sister, Paige. Rey’s muse constantly broke her heart at the thought, it made her express the saddest images on canvas: her parents.

“Any news about the new manager?”

“He’s coming at ten, so that means we still have time to get free space and extra cream on the coffee.”

She gave a small laugh as she planted a kiss on his cheek before heading to her space, the brushes laid in the order she left them the day before; so rustic and perfect as she never washed the handles, she loved to see the mixed dry colors. Rey was the only painter who worked in the gallery while most of the other artist preferred their own office galleries and later when they were finished, they’d finally place a foot in the building. She didn’t mind, it was satisfactory for her, being the only painter in a world of artist was a privilege and an honor.

She took the wooden stool and sat directly in front of the blank canvas that was left untouched since the day before. Her brain was blank, there was no inspiration and even her muses didn’t do much at the time; it was like staring into a white room in which you were expected to do something in it.

The speakers in the gallery buzzed as the next song tuned in, the beat lighting up the room as her mood lifted into an ease. The song was classic but remastered into a blues version that matched the vibe of the gallery. That was the best part of working for the gallery, when the playlist for the speakers was on random and every song was a new story. It was a strategy most people used and that the gallery did mostly to motivate their artist into creating beautiful things. Just like a writer, she enjoyed the lyrics and created art with it.

_What is love?_

_Baby don't hurt me_

She could picture a man who is madly in love with a lady, Rey can visualize the pain in his eyes as he questions himself what even is love? Is love meant to feel the agonizing way he feels? He’s on his scraped knees as the drops of blood pool around his clothes, the sweat clinging to his skin like paper as he looks at the woman with the purest blue eyes. The beg on his lips, _don’t hurt me._

Rey snapped the first oil paint into the palette as she rushed with her brush toward the blank canvas. It always amazed Finn how Rey could engage with a painting as quickly as eating a muffin, it was as if she was one with it. She drifted with the music and its lyrics, his pain being her pain.

She soon realized she had a fascination for his eyes, so blue as clear crystal water yet so icy as snow in the poles. The details in her paintings were what gave away with many of the costumers, as they fell in love with how precise yet rustic the paintings seemed. And it was a beautiful reward when she gets to see her paintings on Instagram posts of some rich person.

She liked the man’s hands, they were big and long, like pianist hands. She likes to remark the veins and rough spots of a male hand, to make sure that people who saw her paintings knew the genders right away. She also liked the hair, as auburn as she once wished to dye it and in curls that touched each other. She exhaled, taking a minute to examine her now very progressed work in lack of very few colors and details.

There was a steady breathing behind her, which meant she had a spectator looming over her work; that was how the gallery worked, a community in which the locals could come and appreciate art as well as the creating form and process. While Rey worked, she was often guarded by spectators interested in the art of oil and canvas.

She sipped her mug of coffee -one that Finn very enthusiastically brought her while she detailed one of the painting’s eye- and continued with her work, mixing more colors in the palette. She could feel more than one pair of eyes drilling on her back, which started to become an annoyance. Finally, the person behind her cleared the throat.

“I would recommend you stay easy with the amount of paint you are pouring or else the canvas will get heavy.” said a deep voice at her back.

Rey frowned, the answer clinging on her lips as she turned to look at the spectator. It was a very tall man as pale as what the canvas once was, except that his canvas was splattered in many moles that drew a very interesting path on his face. His features were marked with a short black mane and grown chin beard as his slight mustache pronounced his face.

He stared at her in complete awe, hanging his mouth a bit as his brown eyes drank the image of her, his eyes shone bright and the sudden need to paint them was itching her brain. Rey obliged her eyes to drift away from the man to a wide-eyed Finn who stared from the back, his mouth closed in a thin line. But no amount of pretty eyes could come and critic her work as if she didn’t spend most of her young years practicing and studying.

“Excuse me, as an artist I like my paintings to have enough pigment. That’s why I buy canvases that I know will support the image.” She said secure as she felt, even if his eyes never left her face for a second, still in shock and marvel as she talked.

He blinked several times before talking, passing enough saliva to hydrate his throat. He turned bright red before saying a word. “I’m sure you do, I just wanted to point something very obvious out.” His voice somehow weaker than how it was before.

Rey did not want to get offended easily, odds were that this man had no single idea of paintings nor art. She let it slip away…but not before saying something back.

She drew the prettiest grin on her face, rising her eyebrows in defiance. She noticed Finn shaking his head feverously as he mouthed ‘no’ over and over, but Rey would not let any man try to make her less.

“Well, there are no rules in the world of art and any artist can use whatever technique they most like. Why, mister, would you prefer I go the old ways and paint with egg over wood with pork skin?” she said, keeping her calmest and purest face intact. She was used to getting her job minimized by others.

The man took in a deep breath, as if he didn’t hear a single word she said and simply breathed in the air she inhaled. He grinned.

“I would very much prefer we all go back to the old ways, it all seemed simpler and better.” His eyes stayed on hers, the grin never fading as he spoke. “I believe I had a better life.”

Rey ignored her insistent need to roll her eyes at his words; same Romeo bullshit. She smiled one last time and continued with the pained man on her canvas, yet she still felt the drills on her back, she was pretty sure that the drill was a set of brown eyes that had not left her since the moment they laid on her.

“There you are! We’ve been looking everywhere for you! We even thought you were never coming.” Said a different voice, the voice of the old manager; Amilyn Holdo.

Rey turned to see the blonde woman plant a kiss on each cheek of the tall man, her wide grin showing off. The question rose on her eyes as she watched Finn still in the back, sipping a soda and trying as hard as he could to avoid Rey’s pressing eyes.

“I wanted to stop by earlier; to see what I was coming into.” He said, his eyes drifting back to her; locking his gaze as if he could never get enough.

_What is it with this pervert?_

Amilyn followed his gaze, landing on the favorite of the gallery. “Ahh, I see you’ve already met Rey. She’s the gem of the gallery.” She said pointing to the canvas still undone.

The man inhaled once again. “ _Rey_.” He repeated in the softest of tones, as if savoring the roll of the letters on his tongue. “I think I still haven’t gotten the pleasure.”

Rey stilled, the idea of who he was finally crawling into her brain. She extended her hand, introducing herself to the stranger. “Rey Niima, main artist and painter at Art2 Gallery.”

He took her hand in his rough palm and lifted the soft skin to his lips, placing a tender kiss on her knuckles. No one had ever done that to her, not even in her fantasies. But like all dreams, they must break at any moment. The glint of gold shone from his hand as the wedding band pronounced it’s way into the meeting; some things are always to good to be true.

“Ben Solo, new manager of Art2 Gallery.” He said once Rey forced her hand out of his grasp.

It shouldn’t shock her as it should, she already had an idea, she just didn’t want to admit it. She forced a smile on her face as she nodded at him, the smile causing her cheeks to ache. “a complete pleasure” she whispered.

Amilyn smiled, interested in what could happen in the future. She took Ben by the arm and began his special tour. “Come, you have to meet the other departments. Everyone is eager to meet you!”

Rey felt like drowning in soil and being thrown to the commodity of her bed. But she wasn’t that lucky.

He still looked at her, even as Amilyn dragged him away from her station.

* * *

 

That girl, she was only a product of his mind. Or so he had always thought.

He was still in awe, of her beauty, of her spike, of her accent. He followed Amilyn through the gallery as they stopped through each piece of art, she talked and talked which was fine with him for his mind was consumed of her. _Rey._ It was a beautiful name, so simple yet so unique. In his dreams he never gets the opportunity to know her name or any other detail of that past live, except for the fact that she was his soulmate, the missing piece he felt inside his heart.

His head buzzed as Amilyn’s voice talked in the back, making no sense to his train of thoughts. He already knew she had the loveliest pattern of freckles adorned across her face, yet he thought she would still have the auburn hair in his dreams; not that it bothered him to see that she had a brown pigment of hair. Some things do change after time. Rey was a small female that stood proud at her work, which now that he remembered he had not started with the right foot. Ben was certain that his image was now stained by the brief disagreement between the two, sadly just minutes ago.

“So, what do you think about the gallery, Mister Solo?” said Amilyn out of the blue, ripping Ben’s thoughts apart.

He took in a breath as he looked around Art2 Gallery, finally noticing the pieces of art inside the facility: the statues of stone and hard plaster and beyond the hangings of simple things with vibrant colors. He immediately knew to whom those belonged to. He smiled as he remembered her smart mouth.

“I think it’s a treasure. Don’t you worry Amilyn, in my hands this gallery will shine.” He said as he walked toward the paintings, searching for the signature that would reveal if she did calligraphy as well as she once did in his dreams.

The painting didn’t contain her full name, just a swirl of her two initials as the ‘R’ merged with the ‘N’ in the most minimalist way. If he was someone else and a rich person, he was sure he would end up buying all her paintings. Her style of art was unique and precise; abstract was not her way of going.

Amilyn giggled as she walked up to him. “I know, I believe you are the most capacitated person for this job.” She touched his arm as she lifted his palm to look at the shinning ring. Ben cursed himself internally as he realized how stupid he was, by now Rey would have seen the band.

He blinked twice; he knew very well he couldn’t go after Rey now. He was married to a beautiful woman who loved him more that anyone ever did. Yet, it broke his heart to know that now that he had found his true reason to live and source of wellbeing, now she was unreachable to him.

“On weekends, the artists of the gallery give workshops to a limited group of the community. You should bring your wife, I’m sure Kaydel would love the workshop.” said Amilyn as she smiled down at his palm, swooning at the idea of marriage.

Ben swallowed, the last thing he wanted to do was to bring his two ladies upon each other. Of course, neither knew a thing, but it was more of a personal issue; he would have to think it through. But, Kaydel had always been a curious person and she goes where he goes. One of these days she will come into the gallery and meet Rey, that was a fact he had to accept. Maybe it was better if he did it quicker; the sooner the better.

He smiled and nodded.

“I’ll tell her, I’m sure she will love it.”


	2. don't hurt me

Kaydel arrived on Saturday as promised, holding hands with her husband as they entered the galleries lobby. Rey suppressed the urge to roll her eyes, she hated when couples felt the need to demonstrate their love and affection to the world. Rey was setting down some stools in her station, getting ready for the class to come; as being the only painter in the gallery who actually spent time in the four walls, she kind of made it her mission to instruct others in the passion that drove her.

She watched the girl smile as she marveled in the arts of the rooms, she pulled Ben’s hand as if a toddler in a candy store. Rey watched the sweet scene as something twisted in her heart; she clung to the blank canvas in her hands, pressing as she saw Ben smile down at Kaydel in the most affectionate gaze, his eyes warming at the sight of his wife. It felt as if someone was dropping the juices of a lemon on her patched and swollen heart.

As much as she tried, she couldn’t tear her sight away from the happy pair, until the set of brown eyes finally landed on her, taking in with surprise her hurt face. Rey turned sharply, not letting him see how much it affected her. She walked to the nearest stool and sat down, looking at the ground as her wounds opened one by one. The thing was, it didn’t hurt her to see Ben with his wife, it really didn’t. What wounded Rey’s soul was to know it could’ve been her, that she could’ve also been in the sweet arms of love.

There was a time in which she truly believed in love, in the warm feeling of having someone that cared for you, someone who would vow to appease all your sentiments. She had tried all her life to find that perfect match and she sadly wasted her best years in the search. It came to a point where nothing mattered, only finding that one person. That search and obsession of true love had turned her into a monster, a selfish thing she no longer wanted to be. Yet, the idea never left, and Rey had to settle down to the truth: love would never come. So, she would have to sit for lunch, alone, and watch others fall in love bit by bit, or imagining herself falling in love with every single stranger. It was agonizing, dreaming of something, craving it with all your might and known deep inside that you will never have it.

A hard press on her shoulder knocked her out of her sadness as she turned to acknowledge that Ben and his wife were standing behind her, smiling like two parrots. Rey forced a smile on her face as greeted them.

“Mister Solo! I’m glad you could come and take a look at the weekend workshops at Art2” she said, not extending her hand for the greeting. It still felt too personal to have skin to skin touch, even if it was a simple handshake.

Ben smiled, noticing her retention, he shifted on his feet as Rey watched his arm swing in its place: around his wife’s waist. “As the new manager, it is my duty to know all about the gallery.” He said, looking at the wall beyond Rey. She noticed how straggly his eyes seemed, looking from her to the wall, to the stool and then to the canvas, then back to her, then to Kaydel and back to the canvas.  

His wife whistled as she moved her body away from Ben, her eye sight landing on one of Rey’s painting in the farthest wall. “This is amazing!” she said, as her hand moved up to touch it.

Rey winced, it was never good to touch paintings with naked hand, the body oils or grease could cling to the canvas and damage the color. “Thank you.” She mumbled.

Kaydel turned to look at Rey, her eyes wide with excitement. “Did you make this?” she asked in wonder.

Rey nodded, her smile turning actually genuine. “Yes, I’m the painter of base here at Art2 Gallery”

Kaydel moved to Rey as a smile spread on her lips, she touched Rey’s shoulders as she looked back at Ben. “Love, I think I know what workshop I want”

Rey tensed under Kaydel’s hands, the idea unnerving her to the core. If Kaydel decided to spend time in her workshop, it would mean she would never again escape the pressing eyes of Ben Solo. And apparently Ben wasn’t happy with the idea either, for his smile deflated like a balloon at the middle of the day. Kaydel noticed their tense expression as she creased her forehead in a frown.

“What’s wrong? Do you not like Rey’s painting, love?” she asked innocently.

Ben shook his head, eyes wide. “No, not at all. I think they’re amazing, love”

Kaydel smiled again, like a girl in a meadow. “Then it is. Rey, you have another student at your will.”

Rey feigned a grin, her teeth crashing in disappointment as Kaydel wrapped her arms around her, closing her in a tight hug as if they were great friends. She couldn't help but stare at Ben who stood jujst a few inches away from them, his eyes wary and anxious. When Rey broke the hug, Kaydel turned to Ben with the smile as wide as Christmas. “You know my husband studied in the best art schools all over Europe, and one of his specialties is oil and canvas”

Rey looked away as irritation gathered in her gut. Was she trying to maximize her husband infront of Rey? Her hands baled in fury, for Rey didn’t care where he studied nor how much experience he had, he would not come in here and immediately be better than all. He had to win his place like everyone did.

“Anything else to add to the list?” she mumbled, letting the irritated tone slip a bit.

Ben kept his stare on the ground as his cheeks turned bright pink, Kaydel laughed at the scene; it was as if she enjoyed exposing him publicly.

Rey looked at the clock and cursed, the workshop was to open in a couple of minutes, and she wasn’t done setting the room in order. She gasped out of Kaydel’s oppressing arms as she ran to grab some canvas from the farthest closet in the room.

“I’m sorry, but I have to get the room ready for the workshop in just a couple of minutes before they come. Would you mind?” she said, eyeing at Kaydel and Ben.

Kaydel smiled as she walked toward Rey. “I’m your first student of the workshop, tell me in what I can help?”

Rey smiled, grateful for the extra pair of hands. “Thanks, you can help by taking out all of the dry palettes from the storage at the end of the room.”

Kaydel nodded, ready to start with the work. Rey saw from the corner of her as Kaydel walked toward Ben and kissed him on the mouth, her hands wrapping around his thick chest. She heard the mumbling as they whispered in hushed tones, then the wet sound of kisses. A mix of irritation and sadness crossed her mind as she stumbled out of the closet with a new blank canvas. She shot an annoyed glance at Ben and Kaydel, but only Ben could see her piercing eyes as only he had his eyes open and was watching her as he kissed Kaydel.

She coughed a couple of times until they broke apart, Kaydel as red as a chili pepper.

“I don’t mind if its for today though” said Rey as she set the canvas on each stool. Kaydel nodded and left the room determined to retrieve those palettes.

Rey didn’t look again, her eyes trained on the trot pieces of wood from some stools. She thought she was finally alone until she heard footsteps coming closer to her. She glanced up and saw Ben just mere inches away from her, his eyes locked on her as Rey’s heart sped. He didn’t say a word as he came closer, his scent drowning the room with his proximity. It felt awkward, as if in any moment Kaydel or someone else could barge in and catch them; but what exactly would they see? Just a boss next to his employee, or a love drunk man searching for answers in its lost soulmate?

She would never know as she set space from each other as fast as she could, her head dizzy from the adrenaline. She heard Ben take in several raspy breaths as the sounds of chattering began outside the room. Rey felt her heart beat at a speed she never imagined, her limbs tingling as her mind buzzed; her chest high in emotions. Ben seemed to regain himself as he turned the water faucet of the sink, she heard the splutter but didn’t turn to look at him. After a few seconds he walked to the door, pausing briefly to look at Rey, and in those seconds, she could see in his eyes how much they affected one another. He licked his lips, eyes trained on her own.

“Tell Kaydel I will be at the other workshops,” he mumbled, the beads of water running down his neck into the collar of his dress shirt. “It’s a manager thing, to supervise the other workshops.”

She didn’t have the guts to say a word, afraid it might give her away. Instead she nodded, one and again and again. He gulped and nodded too, looking at Rey for a few seconds before fleeing the room like an animal in fear.

* * *

 

The workshop was a blessing, full of lovely people and new talents to be discovered. There was an elder couple that submitted to the art of oil and canvas, they were excited to learn new things and pass their time together. Some other teenagers also joined the class, mostly because they wanted a hobby that wouldn’t be “difficult” or “exhaustive”. That made Rey laugh, art and specially painting was one of the most exhaustive hobbies she could think of. To continuously stay long nights awake because the theme of the painting is not getting portrayed as one would expect.

And then there was Kaydel who had cero knowledge of the arts or some techniques of painting, yet she tried very hard. Rey was very grateful for the spark of happiness she would bring, how she found her place among elder and young ones. Maybe the start was rough, Rey had to admit, she had not opened herself to Kaydel as much as she wished, yet in the time she had spent in the workshop with Rey and helped her assemble the classes and dismantle them, she came to appreciate the woman as probably one of her friends. Perhaps not a close friend, but certainly a good friend.

But still, that didn’t mean that the awkward scenes with Ben had ceased at all, in the contrary, they had increased with time. And as much as Rey would love to say she was disgusted by the act of betrayal and immorality, she was drawn to him like a lamb to a disguised wolf.

During the week he would often pass by her station and gift her a cup of coffee under the excuse that it was a gift for everyone in the gallery. And it was true, the coffee was available for anyone in the gallery who wanted a cup, but Ben would every single day go and personally take it to her station. Even Finn thought it was suspicious of his part to do such thing. Neither said a thing about it.  

They would often steal glances at every chance they could, regarding each stare with a warm glow that resounded in their bodies. It was enough for Rey, those little stares that could make her heart beat faster than it did before, her mind buzzing with fresh ideas of endless sleep, ideas of warmth, care and love. She would always steal a glance from him, each day as if it were the nourishment her soul needed. And when he returned her erratic foolish glances, she could almost forget the fact that he was a married man and his wife was her friend.

It felt like living on a lie, regarding her heart and falling for the unspoken, for just stolen glances in the mist of the day. She never expected it to be anything more, she wouldn’t let it. But her will was water when the glances increased to a set of touches. It wasn’t anything grave nor evident, no, just a simple brush of skin against skin as they passed each other. At first, she let it pass as maybe an accident or a flaw at her walking; but the touches became more evident day to day. A brush of their hands, a stroke on her shoulder or a gentle hand on her back.

She should feel the repulsion, she couldn’t do this. She was raised to be a moral person, a girl with values. But with each increasing day, the pull to one another was stronger, leaving out the legal obstacles; there was a great force bigger than gravity that made her aware of Ben, of his presence at every moment. His body, voice, and scent were familiar to her; she knew him by heart, and it unnerved her to the edge. Maybe it was the stupid idea of love crawling back in her head that made her act in all those stupid ways. Her craving for emotions she always dreamed of, the need to care for someone as something more than just a friend.

* * *

 

Kaydel was trying with all her will to actually imitate the exercise for the day, to paint the bowl of fruits from the farthest table. Rey wandered through the rows of students, approving some of the drawings while shaking her head at some awful renditions of the bowl of fruits. She reached Kaydel’s stool to look at her canvas, she laughed when she saw the crooked fruits and bright colors standing out in the image. Kaydel looked up at Rey and smiled, her dark eyes warm in affection as she saw Rey crack in laughter, for once she felt like she had made an actual friend.

Rey set her hand on her back as she crouched beside Kaydel, her eyes squinting at the canvas. “Dear Lord! This is awkwardly pretty!” she said, her tone joyous.

Kaydel smiled warmly, “What are you saying? That this is not amazing!?”

“It looks like an 8-year-old kid came here and painted the bowl by himself.” said Rey, leaning in to look at the crooked banana in the middle. “This is worthy of an elementary school.”

Kaydel looked back at her canvas, her smile spreading as she slumped on the stool, her arms slipping to her sides. Rey noticed the glee in her eyes, far bigger than just it being about the painting. She moved her hand to her shoulder, pressing reassuringly. “Is something wrong?” she asked.

She nodded, the smile pressed beautifully in her pale face as her blonde wisps of hair framed it slightly. She looked up at Rey and wrinkled her nose in an excitement Rey couldn’t understand. “I just got sentimental, about kids in elementary school, and I just...” she drifted off, her smile still present. The talk had suddenly turned into one Rey didn’t want to hear, not if it was related to Ben in any way. It made her uncomfortable to the core to know that they had plans, that she was probably just one of his lusty desires, but Kaydel would be the one to share his dreams and goals.

Kaydel giggled softly, catching Rey’s adverted gaze. “I was meant to keep it a secret, but I can’t keep it from you. You’re my friend.”

Rey smiled forcefully, her jaw tense to the moment of wanting to break as she chewed on her inner cheek. Her breath started to increase, she stood up, looking for any excuse that could take her away from the situation. Nothing did, for Kaydel slapped her with the words, a clean stab to her heart. “Ben and I are trying to have a baby! Can you imagine? Soon you will have a kid running around the Art2 halls!”

Her body froze, that was the last thing she needed. Her head buzzed as the world seemed to sink. She smiled at Kaydel repeating false words of joy as she excused herself from the room, the hit of fresh air would clear her head. It felt as if someone was twisting the knife inside her heart, the wound getting bigger and worse; it shouldn’t hurt Rey as much as it did, for they were nothing. He was a married man and had plans to procreate new life to the world with her, not Rey. In fact, Ben and Rey had not once given signs of something more, maybe occasional glances and brushes as they passed, but that didn’t mean anything. Not after she had proven that his marriage was at its peak.

She wiped a tear as she realized that her stupid heart had made silly ideas once again. That Eros had forgotten her once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know it's short, but just get ready for next chapter soon.


	3. No more

Kaydel stopped appearing at the workshop. It worried Rey that she decided to leave out of the blue, just as she was truly enjoying Kaydel’s company; heck, even Rey could see how much Kaydel enjoyed the classes. She wondered if maybe Ben had forbidden Kaydel of continuing, yet she couldn’t quite bring herself to ask him directly.  

It was late in the night and she was still in the gallery finishing some touches of her newest painting. It itched Rey to finish it as soon as possible, or else she would miss the opportunity to exhibit the piece in the gallery of downtown New York.  Slowly one by one people kept leaving the gallery, leaving her lonelier in the workspace; she heard footsteps behind her as she turned and saw Ben near the door. She looked at him as his eyes locked with hers, a tired grin forming on his face. He approached her stool with big steps, his black dress pants and blue dress shirt slightly plastered in orange water paint.

“it’s late, Rey. You can finish tomorrow.” he said, his gaze studying the patterns on the canvas.

Rey stood next to him, analyzing the canvas as well. It was the painting of an extraordinary orchard tree that shone under the painted sunlight, and underneath the tree a man resting his body under the trees shadow. Rey liked the image, it felt like some cherished memory that would bring warmth to her body every time she looked at the canvas. Yet it was not perfect, the mans face was unfinished and some details of the silhouette weren’t right.

“I just need to figure out what to do with him.” she said pointing to the spot.

She heard him take a deep breath as he yawned, “you’ll figure it out, painting come easy to you.”

Rey smiled, leaning to place her brushes on the stool. When she turned to him, his eyes looked at her in the softest way she could dream of. Soft and warm, just like some long-lost home; his small smile looped under his long nose. Her train of thought swirling as it all landed on one single thing: Ben Solo. She blinked a few times as she shook her head, turning sharply as she went and grabbed her coat and bag.

“I’ll give you a ride home, it’s pretty late- ”

“No, thank you. I’m fine.” she said as fast as she could.

“Rey, it’s dark outside and not to mention cold as well.”

“it’s okay, Ben. I’ve walked home several times.” she squinted as she reached for the studio lights, aiming to cross by him as quickly as she could. Except that Ben was by the frame door already and his hand landed straight for her upper arm.

“I’m taking you home and there is nothing else to it.” he murmured, bending his head so he could look right into her eye. Rey nodded, unmoving and breathless. He smiled with that small grin that marked his face in the most adorable way. She waited by the main entrance as she watched Ben head to his office to collect his things.

 _What am I doing?_ She would tease herself. _Think about Kaydel!_

But Kaydel as her friend wouldn’t want her to walk alone in the night, right?

He came out with a long black coat that hugged his big form, while he gripped his car keys in his fist. He opened the front door to her and walked into the dark parking lot. Rey stared through the window as he started the engine, her eyes locking in the lights beyond the city. She listened intently on the sounds, praying that he would hurry; the longer she spent with him the harder it would be to separate herself from her sinful thoughts.

“Rey, I’m gonna need your address” he said, looking at her neck, the shadows molding around her face. She sighed, letting the cold air leave her lungs, she turned to look at him and god only knows how much it pained her to look at him. She smiled as she nodded, a few strands of hair falling from her ponytail.

“Johnson Boulevard, next to the infamous Roady Sloe hotel”

He gave a small laugh as he headed into the road, “why infamous though?” he asked

“Most of the famous politics have their affairs in that hotel, they get all over the news and offer the hotel free marketing!” she said leaning back into the cushioned seat.

“That’s interesting” he murmured with a grin on his face.

Rey smiled nodding as she stared at his profile, so angular yet perfect. There was something about his face that would never tire Rey, the traces and spots of his moles making it one of the most delicious thing she could draw again and again.

“Before coming to NYC, where were you?” she asked not moving her eyes from his face.

He looked back at Rey for a brief second before turning to the road. “I’ve been in so many places it’s actually insane, mostly in my younger years” the lights paced over his face and each time Rey fell in love with the image, her hand itching on sketching the picture.

“Around when I was about 16, I started to have dreams about someone, a person I desperately needed to find.” They reached a red light and he turned to her, his eyes locking briefly with hers as he studied her face. “Living in Washington up ‘till it was time for college. I would save as much money as I could and every free time I would visit as many states as I could: Alaska, Oregon, Montana, Nevada, Utah, heck I even ended in Florida!” his small smile widened as he continued down the road, shaking his head at the memories. “And each time a would pray to any magic or any god that I would come to that person, that after all my search I would finally come to an end in my search.”

Rey listened carefully to each word, “did you find the person?” she asked

He sighed with a hint of sadness “I did. But it was too late by then. When I turned 18, I moved to California and got enrolled in an art institute. I still searched throughout the whole career” he swiftly changed roads and entered into the boulevard, parking infront of the old apartments she lived in. “yet the older I got the more stupid it all seemed. I did Europe and the itch to search was still there; that’s when I decided I need to overcome. So, I married my old-time friend, Kaydel and devoted myself to art.”

She nodded, the ring of Kaydel’s name hitting her right in the gut. She retrieved her bag from the back seat and unlocked her seatbelt, she needed to stay away from him. Just as she was reaching for the door handle, he placed a warm big hand on her chin, pulling her face so she looked at him. His eyes locked in her lips as his warm palm gently grasped her skin.

“Rey” he whispered, leaning closer against the restrain of his seatbelt.

As much as she wished to swoon and let herself dive into the current of Ben, her heart stung and her mind roared in thoughts.

“Why did Kaydel stop coming to the workshop?” she whispered.

She felt his grip tense for a half second as he retreated to his seat, his eyes moving as he stared ahead. The tension growing between them.

“I did something. I screwed things up.” He said flatly.

Rey’s heart beating fast, the blood rising to her ears in fear. “What did you do? What does that have to do with the workshop?”

He shook his head. “it’s not with you. She got mad with me; I made her upset. She doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

Rey swallowed. She could’ve sworn that things were good between them, maybe even better. “She said you two were trying to have a baby.” She whispered in the darkness.

But even in the darkness she could see Ben’s frown marking deeper in his face, the discomfort drawn perfectly. That was her cue as she slipped from the car and walked toward her apartment, not even thanking him for the ride.

* * *

Rey always dreams colors. It’s weird but not entirely.

She asked Finn once what was that he dreamed of, he just said he doesn’t, mostly just goes blank and wakes up the next day. But for Rey it’s like a moving cycle of colors, transcending from a clementine orange to a rich sunset one.

The issue is this time Rey didn’t dream of colors. This time she dreamt of herself.

She knew it was her, it was her body standing straight and proud just a few paces away from an orchard valley. A tree as big and majestic as the one in her canvas at Art2 Gallery. She saw the tree and the way the breeze would move its leaves, except it was all in black and white. The shadows and highlights were her only compass in the scene.

Under the tree a man moved, and everything inside Rey aligned. She ran toward the man, her arms swinging in pure joy as she crashed into his chest tumbling both of their bodies into the grass. She could feel his chest vibrate with his laughter as she pressed her smile into him.

 _“You will crack my ribs if you do that again, mon amour”_ he said softly, his hand gently stroking her hair.

She lifted her face to him and smiled as the sweet smell of fresh hit her nose. She wanted this for eternity, she wanted him forever.

 _“Don’t do this, Kira! Don’t do that, Kira!”_ she said mockingly as she rolled her eyes and sat on the grass leaning her back on the trunk of the tree.

Her dress covered her thighs perfectly as she stretched her feet under the fabric. She watched as he smiled, a small grin that worked perfectly on his face, a smile she died to see every single day.

 _“You know it is all just to keep you safe”_ He said lowering himself and taking his place next to her, his arm embracing her as he reached for her, moving her so she leaned against his chest. They stared at the horizon without truly seeing it; the colors weren’t there, all in greyscale.

She reached for his hand and intertwined her fingers in his long-calloused palm.

 _“What color is the horizon?”_ she whispered leaning her head into his chest. She could listen the sound as clear as the water running down the stream.

He took a deep breath as his thumb pressed circles into her back. “ _Up in the sky there is the sun.”_ he pointed to the sky, the blazing sun shinning and blinding; she nodded. _“It is yellow. The color is bright and aware, sometimes it can be soft as a melody of a bird and others it can be aggressive like a bite into a lemon.”_

She nodded, making funny faces as she imagined herself biting into the lemon. She heard him laugh as he pulled her closer to him.

 _“And underneath the sun is the sky. The color of the purest blue, a color so gentle and swift that it washes away any abrasiveness that remains. Think of the water and the flow in its canals,”_ she nods, remembering the pond behind her house, the soft sound it made. “ _Blue makes you calm yet it can sometimes also make you sad and nostalgic.”_

She sat straight looking directly into his eyes, the colors she could imagine with his words painting in her brain. She lifted her palm as she caressed his cheek, spotting the moles on his face, his eyes searching for her.

 _“What colors are in you?”_ she whispered, her eyes scanning all the possibilities. He laughed, his smile pressing deep in her palm.

 _“Oh, mon amour, I am the least colorful person there may be.”_ he cupped her face between his huge palms and touched his forehead with his. _“You are not missing out here.”_

She smacked his chest. _“What colors?”_ she pressed.

He kissed her cheek as he murmured, _”Black, brown and paleness.”_

She frowned at him. _“Devoid of color, I see.”_ Her gaze turning to the orchard behind them. “What about the orchard?”

Ben smiled as he reached for the pile of apple he had near them, the turned the fruit in his long fingers as he gave a bite. She watched as his mouth worked in chewing, the fruit looking darker against his fingers.

When he swallowed he smiled. _“This apple is red, just as-”_

She rolled away, “ _I know it’s red.”_ She felt his hand on her wrist before she could get up, she turned to look at him.

His eyes soft as he looked at her, passing the fruit to her. _“But, it is a different red. This is a special color.”_

That caught her interest as she reached for the fruit in her smaller palm. _“Different?”_ she repeated.

_“Yes, this red is darker than the red of the strawberries. This is a crimson red, darker and yet stronger, like a pressing color, the more you look at it the darker it seems to get.”_

She crawled back to him, curling under his arm as she looked at him as a child does, with utter adoration.

 _“Does it have a sound? A feel?”_ she asked patiently.

 _“It is also the color of blood_ ,” he said as she frowned in disgust. _“But not because of the pain, more of the warmth there is in blood. The flow of it in you veins. The beat of my heart every time a get to see you.”_

She smiled as she leaned forward and pressed her ear to his chest, listening to the beat of his heart just underneath her _. Crimson Red_ , she thought.

She heard him inhale as he pointed to the orchard _. “The leaves today are pink.”_

 _“Pink”_ she repeated as she sat up and looked up to the leaves.

 _“Pink looks wonderful on you, mon amour”_ he said, gripping her hand between his palm.

She looked down at her dress in awe. _“Am I wearing pink today?”_ she asked sweetly.

He nodded.

 _“Pink is a variation of red. Red is dark and passionate, while pink is soft and gentle. It is sweetness and kind, warmth and adoration.”_   He grabbed a few of the stray leaves on the ground as he lifted them to her eyesight. _“Your cheeks always turn pink when you look at me, your ears turn a soft shade of pink when I tell you how beautiful you are. Your lips are the most delicious color of pink, better than any orchard.”_

She smiled, thinking of all the things she could do if she could see all these said colors. How she could probably identify more colors in him than he could ever imagine. She stared at his face, at the angular nose and perfect splatter of moles.

Her Kylo; hers for all eternity she wished.

Rey woke up to the image of Ben Solo as clear as daylight in her mind. The whole dream haunting her as she desperately clung to her pillow. She blinked in relief as the colors shone in her eyesight.

 _It was just a dream_. She reassured herself. _Just a dream_.

* * *

She saw Kaydel exiting a convenience store, she looked glum and sad. Rey knew it wasn’t the right thing, that maybe she should back away, but she followed Kaydel down the parking lot. She walked faster to catch up on Kaydel’s weary steps, as if she was fleeing from Rey.

“Kaydel, it’s me Rey!” she shouted.

Kaydel stopped in her tracks giving Rey sight of her back. She saw how every muscle in Kaydel’s back tensed, her fists gripping the plastic bags like iron.

“I wanted to know how you are. You stopped coming to the gallery.” She said softly as Kaydel turned sharply, her eyes red in tears as she stared down at Rey.

“You little minx!” she said roughly in the middle of the parking lot. It caught Rey a little aback the anger and fierceness in which she spat the words towards her. “I knew something was up since the beginning. The way you two acted so stiff infront of me! How could I be so STUPID!”

Rey blinked several times. “What are you talking about?” she murmured suddenly out of breath.

“You and Ben, you fucking ass!” she shouted as she reached for her keys and walked toward her car.

Rey felt so much dread and confusion, she need to know. She followed Kaydel in hot step, falling a few paces behind her. “Kaydel, give me some clarity for fucks sake!”

She turned half step and almost smacked into Rey. “CLARITY?! YOU WANT CLARITY ON HOW YOU FUCKED MY HUSBAND BEHIND MY BACK!!”

Rey could feel her heart pulsing with heartbreak, the anxiety crawling in her brain as she wished for nothing more than to disappear into the ground below. A few of the passing people turned and stared at the two of them, the fight loud in a parking lot.

“Kaydel, that never happened.” Rey whispered, trying to calm her own heartbeat.

Kaydel’s tears shone on her beautiful face as they dropped upon her cheek, her lower lip wobbling as it shook in tears. “I truly thought you were a friend.” She whispered. “I wanted to believe I had made a friend in this wretched place.”

Rey nodded, her own tears spilling. “What happened?” she asked for the last time.

Kaydel gave a sarcastic laugh as she looked into Rey’s face, her eyes marked with grief and anger once again. “You knew we wanted a baby. You knew we were trying.” Rey stared, her eyes looking to the ground as Kaydel sobbed into the air. “He said your fucking name.”

Rey blinked as she looked back at Kaydel, the surprise visible as Kaydel backed away.

“HE SAID YOUR FUCKING NAME WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ME!” Kaydel threw her hands in the air as the bags fell to the floor. “I WANTED A BABY AND ALL HE WANTED WAS TO FUCK THE ART GEEK OF THE GALLERY!”

She stood still as a statue and shook her head in horror, this had gone too far. Kaydel reached for her bags and walked to her car, flipping the finger to Rey as she climbed inside.

He called to her. He ruined his marriage.

What was this?

* * *

Her mind raced like a wild horse, the panic and anxiety suffocating herself. She needed to see him, to clarify things with him. This couldn’t continue, whatever this was, it had to stop. She reached for her phone as she sent him a text message. **Meet me by the Harvey train station**. Her mind wiring as she took the steering wheel and headed to the train station.

The place was an awkward place to meet, she knew this, but it was one of the few train stations that was almost never crowded, and the cameras never seemed to work. She was going to get things right and she planned to not be seen by anyone. She parked near the train and waited a few minutes before marching inside, her heart pulsing like waves crashing in the ocean.

She spotted Ben’s big form in the lonely train station, his coat hanging on his shoulder as a frown marked his face. She walked toward him avoiding eye contact as she got closer to him.

“What’s wrong, Rey? That text you sent me. Is everything okay?” he said, placing a hand on her shoulder. Rey budged as his hand fell from her shoulder.

“This between us, shit, it’s not even a thing. It has to stop.” she said as her eyes kept glued to the ground. She could hear the pick of his breath as he listened to her words.  

“Rey, what are you-?”

“I talked to Kaydel and she told me what happened.” She looked up to him and his face wounded her heart, the way his eyebrows hunched in confusion. “This is twisted and wrong.”

Ben shook his head as the fog lifted from his mind. “I can’t lose you.” He said firmly.

Rey stared at him in awe, shaking her head. “What? Are you listening to yourself? Kaydel is your wife, not me! I was never yours!”

He winced with every word, shaking his head as she spoke. He looked at her "I won't lose you," his eyes filled with tears as he grabbed her by the shoulders. “Not when I’ve finally found you” he whispered.

“Found me?” she repeated looking into his eyes, the same tears she felt on herself.

“It’s always been you, you who I have searched endlessly for. And now that I’ve finally found you, I can’t lose you.”

“Ben, this can’t be.” she begged. 

“It was always you haunting me in my dreams, taunting me day and night.” His palms lifted to her cheeks, bracing and warm against her damp skin. “I know you’re the one for me, my one and true soulmate.”

Rey looked into his eyes, leaning further into his touch and suddenly she was back in her dream again, back to only looking at him.

“What do you mean?” she murmured.

He smiled down to her. “Remember when I told you I was always searching for someone in my youth, it was you.” He leaned his forehead into hers, craving the sweet feeling of skin, the touch of his soulmate. “I’ve always had vivid dreams of a young girl with many freckles and the most beautiful set of auburn hair. I see her almost every night and every single day I wake up without you in my arms.”

She frowned, unsure if it was all connected. “You dreamed me?” she asked.

“Every night.”

She sucked air, her mind getting dizzy. “What else do you remember?”

He stilled under her, closing his eyes as he recalled the dreams always ending the same way.

“You always die in my arms. Your eyes fog up and you look blind, you swear in the dream that you can’t see anything. And every night I make you a promise, every night I assure you that one day the colors will bend at your will.” She smiled as his thumbs wipe away tears from falling. “I didn’t know back then but now it all makes sense; the colors are all yours. The greatest painter in the world.”

Rey’s mouth went dry. “I was color blind” she whispered more to herself.

“Do you have dreams as well?” Ben asked in awe.

She shook her head, a frown marked deeply. “No, I never did.” She looked up to him and stared at his face, the same face from her recent dream. “But I recently had a very vivid one,” she lifted her palm and traced his cheek, just as she did in the dream. “It was me, but everything was greyscale,” her heart swooned as he leaned into her palm. “And you were there, you were with me.”

His smile could’ve unlocked as many doors into her heart as he wished, for no matter how hard she tried to deny it, her insides would jump for him, bend and twist only for him. Her soul seemed to truly feel complete when he touched her. What was happening?

“I truly believe you are my soulmate,” he took her hands in his and lifted her knuckles to his lips. “Destiny intertwined our paths generations ago. We are meant to be one in this life and the next to come.”

Rey smiled and for a moment she could forget all the drama and just feel content with how full her heart felt. His hands lowered to her waist bringing her body closer to his.

“Not even death can keep us apart.” He whispered in her ear.

A shiver went down her spine as his lips brushed against the lobe of her ear. She felt her skin get warm, the closeness suffocating her lungs with his scent. She looked to him under her lashes as her neck arched up, his nose grazing her soft skin.

“Rey” he whispered in a prayer as his fingers dug into the skin on her waist.

“Ben” she pleaded as she moved her hands to trace his chest.

It felt like an eternity had passed, as if a thousand afterlife’s where finally finding solace, two soulmates embracing and being one. She stared at the soft buds of his lips as he slowly came down and pressed them to hers. The warmth shocked her, the sweet feeling of cushion and skin under her own; she opened her mouth as he entered his tongue and made his way. It felt as if a child was finally given permission to have its chosen toy. He savored her mouth, grinning against her lips as he exhaled in pure joy. Rey felt like some lost Eve tasting the sweet forbidden fruit.   

She clung to his coat as she smiled to him, the bright feeling of love shinning like a sun. It was only them, and neither knew what to do when Kaydel appeared from the entrance and pushed Rey near the railings. She screamed as she pushed Rey, shouting blasphemy to both as the tears streamed down her face.

“KAYDEL!” Ben screamed, reaching behind her as he pulled from her waist, making Kaydel tightening her grip on Rey’s hair. “LET HER GO!” he demanded.

Fear crept into Rey’s body as the rails seemed closer each passing second. She could listen to Kaydel’s panicked breaths as she pulled harder with each tug that Ben gave.

“Kaydel, please!” sobbed Rey as she tried to untangle Kaydel’s hand from her head.

“NO! Even after you wound me! Even after everything you still make plans with her!” yelled Kaydel stomping on Ben’s foot hard enough to find her release from his grip.

‘Kaydel, listen to me” begged Ben as he lowered himself on his knees, looking small and fragile. “Please” he whimpered.

Kaydel’s eyes shone with fury. “Not even two minutes and immediately you come up to see her. You make a huge meet up to elope with this rat!”

Rey looked between the pair, begging Ben to keep chatting with her, that way her attention would shift from the grasp in her hair.

“Kaydel, leave Rey alone and let’s go home. We’ll talk this through, i promise.”

Between all the arguing Rey took the opportunity and twisted Kaydel's wrist it away from her head. In a quick motion it was Kaydel who whimpered in pain underneath Rey, the anger blurring Rey's vision.

“You slut! You took everything!” cried Kaydel. “My husband! My future family! My life!”

Anger, red and hard as a cold punch in the face. She wasn’t those things and she wanted what she deserved, even if it was taken and wrong to desire.

“Ben is mine and I’m his.” She said softly looking at Ben who stared with fear as Rey’s grip tightened on Kaydel’s hair, slowly dragging her closer to the rails. “Nothing will stand in our way this time.”

Ben blinked several times not knowing what to do, what this a joke? His fear grew and the tension maximized. The tone in Rey's voice sounding almost mechanic and foreign  to him.

“REY!” he screamed as he watched the anger invade her body.

She grabbed a better handful of Kaydel’s hair as she screamed in pure cold agony, her scalp red in visible parts. She dragged the girl as she threw her toward the railings. A loud sound clamored in the silent train station. Ben approached a step at a time as Rey’s shoulders moved in compass to her loud breathing, her hands shaking at her sides. He was silent as he processed the scene; such a messy one. Kaydel laid with her limbs abnormally placed and shattered from the fall, her head with an open wound as the blood splattered all over the concrete. Her head landed directly into one of the metal rails, opening a big crack on her scalp. There was no need to go down and check for her vital signs, there was barely any possibility of her brain surviving such direct hit.

“Rey, we need to get out of here.” He whispered, taking Rey’s hand as he pulled her away from the scene. Her eyes seemed blurry and there was nothing else but adrenaline and the fact of what she just did. His voice was faint and all she could do was nod her head as she moved with him, focusing on not tripping and keeping her feet on the road. He talked but she didn’t hear. She had done something bad, out of love she thought. No, it was to feel complete, to finally have something. To be with her soulmate.

They walked down the parking lot as they approached her car, climbing inside. It should scare Rey the fact that she didn’t even flinch when she heard the train pass fast through the train station.     

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What can i say other than sorry for finishing the story this late? Also, some places i just made up.

**Author's Note:**

> feed me, pls  
> check the cat: https://curiouscat.me/thpsyche


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